She said TWINS, we said YES: A Story Only God Could Write

Note: All birth family names have been changed for privacy.

“Sounds like you’re having a bad day.” Gayle Brady commented to the waitress, “Julie,” who served her and her husband dinner at a diner in Michigan. Knowing Jim and Gayle is to know that they are very kind and loving people. So, it was not unusual for them to ask how this waitress was doing or notice that she was under immense stress. I (Kristen) had gotten to know Jim and Gayle quite well when they would come to North Carolina for the winters, and I was nannying their grandchildren. So, they had already been following our adoption journey and knew we weren’t having much luck.

Julie went on to share with Gayle that she had a lot going on in her life lately; she was concerned because she recently found out her 21-year-old daughter was pregnant with twins who were due in November, and her plan was to safe-surrender the babies at the hospital after the birth. She feared the babies would end up in foster care or be split up and also shared that her daughter already had a 2-year-old she was working hard to support. Gayle mentioned that she had friends in North Carolina (us) hoping to adopt and asked Julie if her daughter had ever considered adoption. Julie was unsure if her daughter had thought of that but became very hopeful about the possibility. So, Gayle and Julie exchanged numbers.

The next day, Jim and Gayle shared this information with their son and daughter-in-law, Chris and Terri Brady, our close friends, and asked if they should share it with us. They both answered with a resounding YES. Later that night, Terri reached out to me about the possibility but encouraged me to be cautiously optimistic as there was so little information and details known at this point.

I was SO excited; however, we had already been so discouraged by the adoption process up to that point that I was afraid to get my hopes up. I reached out to Gayle the next day and asked for Julie’s phone number to contact her. When we reached out, Gayle shared a similar message of being cautious because this seemed to be a long shot and may not go anywhere. However, after much thought and discussion, she decided to step out on faith and pass along her phone number. She went on to share that she knew nothing about Julie except what she had shared at the restaurant that day but that she really liked her and felt for her and her situation.

The next day Tad and I called Julie to see if we could connect with her. She didn’t answer, so we left a message but never received a response. I then texted her the following day to see if that would generate a response. Nothing. Tad called another time that same week, but it went straight to voicemail. A couple of days passed, and we were beginning to think it wasn’t meant to be. Then, on Sunday, August 28th, we were leaving church and ran into Chris while walking out. He had asked if we had connected with Julie yet, and we told him that we couldn’t get ahold of her but would try one last time that day, and if she didn’t answer, we were going to “close the door.” As we were leaving the church parking lot on our way to the pharmacy, Tad tried calling for the last time, and SHE ANSWERED! We were both in shock and so nervous, but the conversation seemed to flow so naturally.

We talked to Julie for around 30 minutes, and she told us all about her daughter, “Kayla,” and we also shared about ourselves and our adoption journey. It was a great conversation, and we felt like we had really connected with her. We then texted her some pictures of ourselves so that she could share them with her daughter.

Side note: After later meeting Julie, Kayla, and Kayla’s dad, “Mark,” in Michigan, we learned that Julie doesn’t answer her phone for people she doesn’t know, which is why she never responded to our calls. However, that Sunday, Mark happened to be at Julie’s house and told her to pick up the phone! Had Mark not been there at that moment, she would not have answered… It’s just another part of the story that we find so amazing, and God aligned all of it.

Julie said she wasn’t sure if her daughter would go for it, but she would talk to her on Monday, show her our pictures, let her read our messages, and let us know what she says.

On Monday night, we received a message from Julie that she had let Kayla read our text messages and convinced Kayla that this would be a wonderful opportunity for us and the babies, and she felt good knowing the babies would be going to a good home. She wanted Julie to attend her ultrasound the next morning with her so she could talk to the nurses about how adoption worked.

We had already made calls to two attorneys in Michigan (one for us and one for Kayla) just to be sure we had accurate information for Julie and to be ready with the next steps if Kayla was on board– since it was private and not through an agency. We confirmed that there wouldn’t be a lot involved for Kayla, which was important to her.

On Tuesday morning, August 30th Julie sent a text: “So I must say congratulations to the new parents of twin babies! Any names picked out?”

To say that was an emotional moment would be an understatement! It was almost like a dream! Tad had been traveling for work that week, so we were trying to navigate all of this from different states. We immediately hired an attorney for Kayla, and within two days, she met with the attorney and created an adoption plan. The birth father also showed up to that appointment and signed his consent for the adoption. We couldn’t believe how quickly and smoothly things seemed to be falling into place. 

One of the most beautiful parts of this story is the connection we’ve developed with the birth mother and her family. Initially, Kayla wanted no contact with us, but it wasn’t long after she had created the adoption plan that we had been communicating regularly. Because this was a high-risk pregnancy (being twins and Emma had a 2-vessel umbilical cord), Kayla was going for ultrasounds twice a week and being monitored very closely. I remember the first time she sent me pictures of the ultrasound. It was such a surreal moment. It’s rare in any adoption to have contact with the birth mother before the babies are born, especially if you didn’t know her prior. So, it was extra special to be able to bond in this way. Kayla then started inviting us to join the ultrasounds via FaceTime. It didn’t always work out depending on the nurse that was working since they have strict rules about video and pictures. But her willingness to involve us for each appointment and continually provide updates was so amazing and brought us so much peace! When we met her in Michigan for her last ultrasound on Monday before the birth, she let me join her in person, saved all the printed ultrasound pictures from the time she found out, and gave them to me. 🥲

Kayla and I had been in close communication for most of September and into early October, texting almost daily. She would send me pictures of her belly and videos of the babies moving around. She made me feel so involved in the pregnancy, which helped Tad and I bond with her and the babies so much! Outside of the adoption itself, it was one of the most special and selfless things anyone could do for another person.

The more Kayla and I continued to connect, the more comfortable she was with me. At one point, she told me she wanted me to be in the delivery room and cut the umbilical cords!😭 We later found out that wouldn’t happen because she would be delivering in an operating room where she could only have one support person (her mom), but even the thought of her offering meant so much to me.

Kayla was having some difficulty around 31 weeks (September 25th) and had ended up in the hospital on three occasions and being admitted for a couple of days. At that point, every day seemed like a possible delivery day. That’s when I started packing my bags so we would be ready at a moment’s notice. As the weeks began to wind down and the ultrasounds showed that the babies were not growing much, the doctor decided that he would induce her around 34 weeks.

Tad had been traveling a lot in October, so as soon as the doctor said he would induce within the next week, we decided to drive up to Michigan. He had taken a father-daughter trip to Florida with his 13-year-old daughter, Alexandria, and on the day of his return (Wed, October 12th), we set out on our journey to Michigan. We arrived on Thursday, October 13th, and just happened to be driving by the hospital where Kayla would deliver at the exact time she was at her ultrasound appointment. We had hoped to attend with her, but it just didn’t work out. She let us speak with the doctor, and it was on that day that they had scheduled her induction for Tuesday, October 18th, at 7:30 pm.

We were hoping to connect with Kayla before meeting with her for the first time on delivery day, but we didn’t want to put any additional pressure on her or overwhelm her, so we let it be. However, she reached out later that evening and asked us if we would like to meet for lunch? We were very excited but also nervous! She wanted to meet us at the same restaurant that her mom worked at – the one where Jim and Gayle had first made the connection. A little later in the evening, she shared with us that her dad would also come. Of course, we let her know that we were also looking forward to meeting him!

Saturday morning came, and we prepared to head to the restaurant. As we walked in, an older gentleman saw Tad’s Buffalo Bills license plate and started a conversation about the upcoming game. Little did we know, we were talking to Kayla’s grandfather (Julie’s father), who also worked at the restaurant. As soon as we walked in, we met Julie (who was working); moments later, Kayla and her dad walked in. We were meeting most of her immediate family, haha… no pressure!

After exchanging hugs and handshakes, we all sat down. We made small talk and got to know each other for a little bit. When the food came, Tad asked if he could pray for our meal, which he did. Kristen asked Mark if he had any questions for us. He wondered what kind of church we attended, and we shared a bit more about our church. Mark shared that before COVID, he had been going to church but hadn’t been back since. When talking with Kayla, she said she always believed in God, but after everything that happened with the adoption, she believes in God much more and wants to start going back to church! Tad and I left lunch feeling excited and hopeful. It went very well, and we had even more peace about everything progressing. We were so grateful that all of Kayla’s family were very supportive of the adoption plan and even grateful that it was happening! While I can’t imagine how hard it is for them, we know that having a supportive family is paramount in adoption. We planned for another dinner on Monday night, Kayla’s “last meal” before the big day, which Julie, her mom, could attend. That also went great and helped our families connect and get to know each other better.

Arriving at the hospital on induction day!

Kayla was scheduled to be induced on Tuesday, October 18th, at 7:30 pm, which felt like the longest day ever. When we arrived at the hospital, Julie, Kayla, and her best friend “Shannon” greeted us at the main entrance. Julie was kind enough to bring us a gift basket full of baby items. We all made our way to the room where Kayla would be and began to set up “camp.” Kayla was comfortable having Tad and me in the room with her for most of the night until things started to progress, which is when Tad stepped out into the waiting room. We would spend the next 22 hours in Room 2 of the Labor and Delivery wing. It was probably one of the coolest and most unique moments of any adoption story!

October 19th, 2022, was the day our lives changed forever. While it was a long night that extended into the following day, we knew things had to be getting closer. By 3 pm on Wednesday, October 19th, contractions started to become stronger and closer together, but dilation was slow, so we anticipated being in for another long night. At about 4 pm, Julie and Shannon had stepped outside, and Kayla and I were in the room together. I loved that she wanted me to be there and didn’t want to be alone. Thank God I was! Just minutes later, Kayla was in distress and felt like she had to push. I immediately called Julie and Shannon to get back to the room and tried to support Kayla the best that I could by encouraging her not to push, holding her hand, and rubbing her head. What an emotional and special moment that was for me. I knew it was time! We went from 22 hours of almost nothing happening to “these babies are coming…NOW!” Once Julie and Shannon arrived back to the room, we all searched for a nurse and a doctor, and there was no one to be found. It became apparent that Shannon, Julie, and I may have to deliver these babies! What a crazy moment that was for all of us. Eventually, the nurse showed up, and she and Julie wheeled Kayla down to the OR. (The plan was a natural birth, but delivery in the OR was scheduled just in case they needed to do an emergency C-section.)

As they wheeled Kayla to the O.R., I ran into the waiting room hysterically to let Tad know what was happening. He said I was more upset than he’s ever seen me. The unknown was so terrifying, and I also knew I was about to meet the babies I had been dreaming and praying about, so I completely lost it. We waited for what seemed like forever, but it was only a matter of minutes. Then, my phone pinged, and it was a text from Julie with a picture of Emma followed by a message that she was doing great and a video of the birth! We both sat sobbing in the waiting room while we watched. Then, 5 minutes later, my phone pinged again with a picture of Jaxson and a video of his birth! It was so amazing that Julie would think to do that for us while supporting her daughter during such a difficult time. It was so special; we hope she knows just how much that meant to us. The time from 4:45 pm – 5:45 pm seems like such a blur, but it was the moment our lives changed forever.

Emma Grace Sherman was born at 5:30 pm on October 19th, 2022, weighing 3 lbs 11 oz and 17″ long, and Jaxson Taylor Sherman was born at 5:35 pm on October 19th, 2022, weighing 4 lbs 5 oz and 17.5 inches long.

Emma left, Jaxson right

30 minutes after the babies were born, we visited Kayla before going to the NICU to hug her and thank her for what she did for us. She was beaming! You would have never known she had just given birth to twins. We captured a special picture of the 5 of us, which will forever be a beautiful reminder of this amazing story!

Picture shared with permission 🙂

Since the babies were born, we’ve continued to stay in touch with Kayla and support her in whatever ways she needs. We even attended church together a few days after the babies were born. We care about her so much and are incredibly grateful for her brave and selfless decision to choose life and adoption for her precious babies. We will forever be connected because of them, and she will forever be such a special part of our lives.

Currently, Emma and Jaxson are in the NICU and doing well. They are still tiny, but they are learning and growing daily! We are so in love with them and eagerly await the day we can bring them home!

We don’t believe there are any coincidences in life. God knew that Kayla would be carrying twins conceived the very time we began our adoption journey. He knew that we would struggle with infertility and pursue adoption. He knew that the timing of her pregnancy and our adoption journey would align perfectly. He knew that Jim and Gayle would celebrate their anniversary at that restaurant on the night that Julie would be working. He knew that Julie was going to have a hard night and need a friendly face to share her struggles with. He knew that Kayla wanted what was best for her babies and would ultimately choose adoption for them and us to be Emma and Jaxson’s parents. Nothing is a surprise to God. He wrote this story before the beginning of time, and we give all the glory to Him!

Exciting Update!

I (Tad) was talking to a close friend several months ago about a job opportunity that came up. It was something I was really interested in (being a principal who opened a new school, which was a professional bucket list item of mine). While I didn’t get the position, the question he asked me has stuck with me since then. Not only about that position, but in all things. His question, “What if God says no?”

Very rarely am I left speechless, but at that moment, I was. I believe God’s plans are sovereign, and of course, I’ve told myself, “it wasn’t meant to be” in many situations life has thrown my way; this was different, though. His question was so direct and not wrapped up in any warm fuzzy encouragement, but it’s exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. When I feel like God isn’t hearing me or isn’t moving things along at the pace I want, I always come back to that question,” What if God says no?”

When I encounter situations where I have to be real and ask myself that question, that can be scary. It becomes the moment you have to consider something you really want that may not be part of His plan. I’ve also learned that asking myself that question is a good reminder that God may instead be saying… not yet.

If you’ve followed our blog, you know we haven’t posted anything recently. The truth is, there hasn’t been much for us to post. We appreciate the financial support that has come in so far, and we’ve made progress with the puzzle. However, there have been no emails of possible situations, no phone calls of a request for a last-minute situation (angel drop), nothing at all for over a month.

Last week I had that moment where I had to be real and ask myself, “What if God says no?” I started praying quite a bit about the adoption. Specifically, I asked that if this was part of His plan for us, He would reveal that to us somehow.  

I’m here to tell you that God has a way of doing things in a grand fashion! Not 1, not 2, but 3 possible situations were sent to us in a few days. The first one came through email as we were hiking Linville Falls in the mountains last weekend. While we were excited about a possible situation, we also had reservations about moving forward based on several factors in the information we received. We know that when it comes to adoption, there’s never going to be a “perfect” situation, but we have to weigh all factors carefully. After much prayer and discussion, we did not have peace about moving forward with presenting to that situation, but we have been praying for that mama and kiddo and the adoptive family who will be blessed with a baby soon. 

Maybe it’s a coincidence, but more than likely, it’s God doing His thing because the second situation that came up we were only made aware of because of the first situation that we didn’t have peace about. Adoption is complicated and has many moving parts, especially when you’re working with multiple agencies. But, for simplicity’s sake, let’s just say we would have never known about the second situation had the first situation not been sent to us.

We then received a third situation via email just a few hours later while we were working on the paperwork for the second situation. How’s that for God’s reminder that maybe our adoption isn’t a “No” but a “Not Yet?!”

We’re thankful that each situation’s timeline and due dates are a little different, allowing us to be considered for both of them. We are trying to be cautiously optimistic because we know that in each situation, there will likely be anywhere from 30-50+ adoptive families who choose to present to each birth mother. The odds are small that we’ll be chosen, but we know that God has already written our story.

Interestingly enough, the two situations couldn’t be more different. For privacy and confidentiality sake, we aren’t going to go into too many details at this point, but we can tell you that one is due in August and the other in January.  

Kristen and I were talking about which scenario is more encouraging for us:

1. Hearing nothing and assuming the only situation we get will be “the one.”
2. Being presented with many situations even though we know only one of them will be “the one.”

I’ve tried to convince myself that the first option was better because that way, we wouldn’t be let down by the “no’s” we receive. However, after over a month of not hearing anything, we realized option two is much better for us. Because even if we receive a “no,” it’s God’s reminder that our story is still being written and each no is bringing us one step closer to our “YES!”

Please continue to pray for us as we navigate our Road to Adoption. We appreciate all of the encouragement and support sent our way. We’ll keep everyone posted on these two situations we are presenting to, and hopefully, we’ll have some exciting news to share in the coming weeks.

Our First Situation

I couldn’t sleep at all that night. I couldn’t stop thinking about them. Earlier that day, we received an email that a birth mother was making an adoption plan and that she could be a potential match for us.

I was at Bible study and immediately forwarded the email to Tad so that he could review it while I was tied up. My heart was racing. Could this really be happening already?

I briefly scanned the email and saw that a baby boy was due in June and needed a family quickly. They would be presenting profiles to the birth mother tomorrow. In that moment, the details of the situation didn’t even matter to me. I immediately began thinking of baby names, making plans to have our home “baby ready” by early June, and envisioning becoming this baby boy’s mama.

I called Tad about an hour later, and he proceeded to share some of the details of the situation. I will spare any information about the birth mother or child for privacy’s sake. However, I will say that had this situation played out the way that we hoped, I would have had a baby boy in my arms in less than 2 months.

Unfortunately, as I was crafting the email with our required documents to present our profile, we received an email from our consultant that the agency had already received enough families to present. This was in less than 2 hours from receiving the initial email.

I was consumed with disappointment. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in a matter of two hours. Because this was our first situation, we did not know what to expect or how much time we would have to make a decision. In my sadness, I appreciated Tad’s perspective. He said, “God won’t allow a situation to work out that isn’t meant for us.”

It reminded me of a saying I heard years ago: “If it’s not God’s plan, you can’t force it. If it is God’s plan, you can’t stop it.”

Since that day, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about and praying for this birth mother and her baby. In her handwriting, I read of a scared young woman who was in a situation that made it extremely difficult for her to raise a child. In one email, we knew everything about her. Adoption became real for us in that moment. It reminded me of two important points about this journey:

1) There is no moment in life that I can think of where joy and grief are more present than in adoption.

Adoption is born out of loss.

Joy out of pain.

Continued joy out of continued pain.

There is so much pain in placing a child for adoption. And there is so much joy in adopting a child. May we be sensitive to this and never forget this.

2) Adoption can change your life in an instant.

Had we moved forward with presenting our profile and been matched with this birth mother, our entire lives would have changed in an instant.

We don’t have a nursery yet.

We don’t have the funds yet.

We don’t have any baby stuff, period.

BUT, we fully trust God to provide when the time comes and our hearts are completely invested in this process. So, we are ready. And we cannot wait to receive the call telling us “you’ve been matched”.

Adoption Update | Be a “Piece” of Baby Sherman’s Story

Adoption is a costly endeavor. However, we’ve come to understand that the dollar signs and commas on the dreaded fee sheets have a good and necessary purpose. It’s what it will take to bridge the gap between Baby Sherman and us. When we first decided to adopt, one of the things that we wrestled over was whether or not we would do any fundraising. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to. There aren’t many things more humbling than asking other people for help. It’s uncomfortable, it’s vulnerable, and it feels awkward. The more we have sought the Lord and prayed about it, the more we understand that it isn’t about asking people for money but asking them to be a part of Baby Sherman’s beautiful story.

As we’ve shared previously, we are in the early stages of our adoption journey, but we are officially Home Study approved and “active” with several adoption agencies. Through our consultant, we are immediately active with three agencies. In addition, we’ve applied to three others (recommended by our consultant) that we hope to be active with by sometime next week. Being “active” means that agencies will now be able to start sending us situations to review, and our profile book will be shown to birth mothers considering adoption. It’s getting real now and we are so excited to see how this story unfolds!

We don’t know how long this journey will be. Only God does. It could happen very quickly and be an “Angel Drop” situation where a baby has just been born and needs a family at a moment’s notice, or it could take a while for us to be matched.

Here is where you come into the picture… or the puzzle. While we wait on God’s plans and timing for our adoption, we have decided to launch a puzzle fundraiser.

We have selected a 520-piece puzzle that represents our adoption journey.

On the front, an original piece of artwork was created by our good friend, Christine Brady. She shared:

“The writing in the background (in my handwriting) is a broad overview of salvation history and how God blesses the nations through His people, and how His overall plan prevails; how God is in control and working all things for good. The map is of the Middle East, where Israel is, because through this promise God made made to Israel, He blessed the world (as we see in Genesis 12:2).”

We chose the verse from Jeremiah 29:11 to remind our child that even though they may face difficulties in life, God’s promises are still true. He is faithful and will lead them through whatever trials they may face.

On the back of the puzzle, a different kind of original artwork will be created… 520 names.

Here’s how it works:

1. You can “adopt” a piece for $25 that will go directly towards bringing Baby Sherman home.
2. You can adopt 1, 2, 3, or 10 pieces! There is no limit!
3. After you have adopted your piece(s), we will write your name on the back. For anyone who has already donated, your names will be the first that we add to the puzzle. 🙂 For multiple pieces, we can put your name (or your family- ex: Sherman Family) on all of them, or you can designate pieces for each member of your family. For example: If you donate $100, we’ll write your name on 4 puzzle pieces.
4. We will begin assembling the puzzle as soon as we have enough pieces adopted and will provide progress updates along the way.
5. Once all the puzzle pieces have been adopted, we will glue it together and place it in a double-sided glass frame that will be displayed in Baby Sherman’s nursery.

We believe this puzzle will not only represent the many people who helped bring Baby Sherman home, but it will be a beautiful reminder throughout their life that they are loved by many.

Ways you can “adopt” a puzzle piece:

• Visit our GoFundMe website and tap “Donate Now”. If the amount is higher than $25 and there are specific names you want displayed on the puzzle pieces, please include that in the comments of your donation.

We will continue to provide updates as Baby Sherman’s puzzle comes together! Thank you for your continued support and prayers. We appreciate you!

What NOT to say…

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone, maybe a friend, family member, or even a complete stranger, and during the course of the conversation you ask yourself, “Did this person REALLY just say that?!” It may be something said with good intentions, but ignorance or a lack of “reading the room” makes you wonder why they would say something like that.

We knew that the adoption process would bring “highs” and “lows”.  One of the “lows” for me is seeing Kristen hurting when someone says something or asks a question that probably shouldn’t be said or asked. It’s usually said with good intentions, so it makes it a little more challenging to address. While it hurts Kristen, her empathy for others makes her cautious to say anything for fear of hurting that person or making them feel bad. That’s why I am writing about this topic. I want people to be aware of some things to consider when engaging in conversation with someone who is struggling with infertility and/or adopting.  I’d also like to provide some context as to why these statements and questions can be so difficult to hear.

My hope is that it will bring more awareness to the adoption process and remove some of the stigmas that exist.  At the very least…I hope it will help anyone who may have a friend or family going through the adoption process.  

So here it goes…

1. You’ll probably get pregnant after you adopt.

Kristen has heard this comment far too many times and for some people this may be true, but this comment is also a reminder that up to this point we have not been able to.  After trying to get pregnant and using various fertility treatments to do so, there is a grieving process that takes place with the idea of not being able to get pregnant. Hearing this comment is a reminder of this.

Furthermore, in some cases there isn’t a “probably”.  For various reasons (medical, personal choice, etc.), some people may return to some form of contraception. However, that is a very private decision that you wouldn’t share with someone who makes this comment.  We made this decision for medical reasons and in order to fully commit to the adoption process. So in our case, it “probably” won’t happen. As hard as it was, it doesn’t mean it was a quick or easy decision.

2. You don’t want to have children of your “own”?

For me, this falls under one of the “ignorance” comments. My response to anyone who asks this question is, “Of course we do!” or better yet, “You don’t think we’ve already tried that?!”

Also, through adoption, while there may not be a biological connection, adopted children are just as much a parent’s child as any genetically connected children. Telling someone an adopted child is not really “theirs” invalidates their experiences as a hopeful parent. That child who is adopted is yours! They will take your last name, they will carry on family legacies, they will be an equal and integral part of your family, and they will be every bit yours. 

3. At least you won’t have to get fat and go through labor, childbirth, etc.

I struggle to think of any woman who has given birth to a child would/could say this, but it happened! Kristen would absolutely go through anything that comes with pregnancy if it was possible. This comment is another reminder that it wasn’t. If you’re a female and haven’t had a child, I suppose it makes a little more sense that you might say this lightheartedly, but it’s still not appropriate. Women who long to be mothers would go through anything it took to have a child naturally. If you’re a guy and you say it…well that’s just ignorance because we will never know the longing most women have for motherhood and carrying and birthing a child. 

4. Why do you only want to adopt a newborn?

For a woman who is unable to carry a child and give birth, they miss out on many of the amazing experiences that come with being a mom. Preparing the nursery, picking out baby clothes (who doesn’t love doing that!), sharing the excitement of all of the milestones during those 9 months of pregnancy. For all of those reasons and more, we would like to adopt a newborn. It doesn’t mean all adoptive parents want the same thing, but for us that is why. 

5. You’re adopting? You can have one of mine!

We all know this is said in jest and just to be funny, but we all know you’re not looking to hand off one of your kids. It’s just a way to vent when kids are being kids. Two things to consider here:

1. We know you’re not giving us one of your kids, but when you long for a child of your own, it’s received very differently than a parent to parent who is joking around.

2. For a birth mom putting her child up for adoption, this is exactly what she is doing. She is giving away a child she carried for nine months. It will be the most difficult decision she will ever make in her life. While she may never hear a comment like this, it is exactly what she is doing, so we should be praying for her during this difficult time, not saying something that would be considered derogatory if it was said to her.

6. What if the birth-mom is on drugs?

This is actually a fair question. I don’t know that it’s appropriate to ask prospective adoptive parents, but I think it’s a fair concern that one may have for adoptive parents.  

Unfortunately, many birth-mothers who choose adoption do so because they are not in a position to care for a child or they can’t provide the life that they want for their child. This could be for a variety of reasons such as their age, health, financial situation, living situation, or in the case of this question – drugs or alcohol.

What we have learned in the early stages of this journey is that the more restrainers you put in place, the more challenging a match becomes. Of course everyone wants a healthy child. But, there are no guarantees even when you have a biological child. 

One of the good things about the matching process is that we will be provided with as much information as possible about the birth-mother, including substance use and abuse. The type of drug(s) and frequency of drug/alcohol use will play a factor in what we are comfortable with, but we know this and are prepared to navigate through those decisions if we are put in that position.

7. Have you considered foster care? There are so many kids who need a good home.

When we decided to pursue adoption, we quickly learned that there were many paths and versions of adoption. One of those was fostering. For us, we simply are not in a position emotionally to bring a child into our home, only to fear losing that child.

The whole goal of fostering, which we fully support and appreciate, is reunification with the child’s biological family. The fostering journey has its own set of unique challenges and is often met with longer wait times, and often those kids are never able to be adopted from the system. We simply aren’t in a place to walk that path. We are looking to add to our family in a permanent way.

Fostering takes a very unique and special set of skills and for anyone who fosters and eventually adopts a child through foster care, my hats off to you. You are doing one of the most selfless and loving things a person could do.

8. Are you worried they will want to find their “real” parents?

The first thing I would say is that when we adopt, we are their “real” parents. The second thing I would say is that we’ve learned a lot of the appropriate terms that should be used, which include:

Birth Parent: The person who gives birth to the child.

Adoptive Parent(s): The person(s) who adopts the child and who the child comes home with.

Adoption is very different today than it was many years ago. In the past, “Closed Adoptions” were most common, but today (and especially in the United States) what is most common is an “Open or Semi-Open Adoption”. See below for more information about these two options:

• Closed Adoption: A form of adoption in which the birth parent(s) have no direct contact with the adoptive family, and the adoptive parents often know little or nothing about the biological parents.  As the child gets older no information between the two parties is shared.

• Open or Semi-Open Adoption: A form of adoption in which the birth parent(s) participate in the process of placing the child with an adoptive family and may continue to have contact thereafter. Although an adoption may be considered an open adoption, many times the birth-mother chooses to make limited or no contact moving forward. However, some birth parent(s) may ask for pictures at different holidays or milestones. Open adoptions can look a lot of different ways.

For us, we are at peace with an open or semi-open adoption. We believe that having family or extended family in their lives, when the time is right, simply means more people to love and care for our kiddo. How can that be a bad thing? In adoption, you should always seek to do what’s best for the child. It has been well documented that while a closed adoption would be simpler in the short-term, it is more difficult for the child long-term. In open adoption, the child knows where they came from, their family, cultural, and medical history, and most importantly, they are surrounded by a lot of people who love and care about them.  

9. If you don’t have the money, should you be adopting? 

This is a fair question.  It’s one we thought long and hard about, but the answer was actually quite easy.  If we believe this is where God has led us, then we also believe that He will be faithful to provide the means necessary to do it.  Is it a leap of faith…absolutely!  Does it make us nervous…absolutely!  Do we sit and worry about how it’ll happen…NO!

We have planned and prepared our personal finances to cover some of the costs of adoption, but it is expensive (see our first blog post) and we will need assistance. 

That may come in a variety of ways, but one of those ways is through fundraising. Most people who pursue adoption have to do some sort of fundraising. The average person doesn’t have $40-$50k readily available. If all hopeful adoptive parents went into the process thinking they had to have all of the means in their bank account, no one would ever be able to adopt. Just like the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child… but (in adoption), it takes a village to bring a child home.

We appreciate those who have already donated and those who will prayerfully consider donating. We’re very excited in our next post to share how YOU can be a piece of the puzzle in the life of baby Sherman!  

10. You are going to adopt a white baby, right?

I saved this question for last because it is often the most difficult one for me to respond to, yet the easiest one for me to say, “Did you seriously just ask me that?!” 

Kristen will tell you that it is very hard for me to remain calm and collected when this question gets asked.  I’ll be honest with you though, about six or seven years ago I may have asked someone the same ignorant question.  Ignorance comes from a lack of knowledge or information.  I’ll save it for another post, but I had a moment of racial awareness that I will never forget.  

From that moment I could no longer claim ignorance.  I was either choosing to not gain knowledge or information or I was choosing to become more racially aware and conscious. I chose the latter. I’m glad I did.  When it comes to the topic of race I will be the first to say I don’t always say the right thing or get it “right”, but I sure as heck am going to try to be aware of what people who don’t look like me have experienced in their own lives.  I could go on and on about the topic of race, but I’ll limit what I share here to the specific question.

Would it make sense to most people that as a white couple we would want to adopt a white child?  Sure, I think that’s a reasonable line of thinking. Nothing wrong with that idea.  Here’s a better way to ask that question.  “Are you open to adopting a child of any race?”  Read both versions of that question again and tell me which one sounds like a better way of asking.

So the answer to the question is, “we don’t know.  Maybe.  Maybe not.” The answer is, “we’re going to adopt the baby God has perfectly matched us with, regardless of their race.”

If we adopt a child of another race, are there certain things that we are going to have to think about, be aware of, or learn about?  Yep!  No doubt about it!  Does that excite me a little bit?  Yep!  And if it happens…here’s another thing you should know.  If their race and the culture of that race is different from ours, you better believe we will ensure their race and culture are celebrated and an intentional part of their life.  

I know, that was a lot. If you’ve said any of these things, don’t beat yourself up. We still love you! This post isn’t meant to silence people for fear they will say the wrong thing. The fact that you’re reading this means you care and want to understand how you can best support someone who is adopting. We are learning all of this stuff right alongside you. 

So now you’re probably thinking, what can I say or do?

• Congratulate them! Be genuinely thrilled and say, “I’m so happy and excited for you!”
• Be supportive. Encourage them and show how much you respect their decision.
• Listen. Sometimes all they need is someone to talk to.
• Be positive. Avoid adoption horror stories or anything negative surrounding adoption. We have enough to worry about.
• Ask: How can I help? Is there anything you need? Are you excited to plan a nursery? Are you planning to have a baby shower?
• Pray for them.

In closing, the best way to be there for someone pursuing adoption is to offer love and encouragement, just like you would for any family who is “expecting.”

We’re making progress…

Our adoption journey is really moving along. We just had our third interview with the social worker this week and it went great. We have one visit left on March 23rd which will be at our home. She will be doing a walk through and checking out the space in which our child will live. After that, she will be finalizing the report and submitting it. We are hopeful to have our Home Study completed by the end of this month! At that point, we will be able to submit our applications and start the matching process with different agencies.

We’ve also completed our profile book. This is the book that an expectant birth mother looks at when she is making an adoption plan. When a birth mother contacts an agency, they meet with a social worker to discuss their hopes and expectations in an adoptive family situation. The caseworker will then share with her the profile books of several families that meet her list of preferences. The birth mother may look through a stack of any number of books before selecting one. Needless to say, it’s a very big deal!

How do you summarize your entire life and depict it in a 20+ page book? How do you “sell” yourself to someone you don’t know, while still keeping it real and genuine? What things do you include and what do you keep out? How much do you share, and how much is too much? Thankfully, that’s what our adoption consultant, Susan, is an expert at, and she did a beautiful job sharing our story.

When they arrived in the mail, I began to touch each profile slowly, suddenly frozen with the gravity of what the pages represent. Overcome with emotion, I thought to myself, “She’ll touch these. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to meet her or talk to her, but I’m touching this page that she will touch.”

I longed to somehow infuse our love into each page. I lingered, desperately wanting this woman who is pregnant and scared to feel how much we love her right now, to believe that we care about her as a person and not just about the life growing inside of her. I imagined what she might feel as she flips through these pages while trying to make one of most difficult decisions of her life.

Adoption is a mixture of grief and joy. With every flicker of happy anticipation for this new baby comes a wave of sorrow for what’s being lost. As we gain a child, another mother will be saying goodbye to her baby. I never want to be excited about our gain without being heartbroken for her loss.

I breathed prayers for whatever women will touch these books. We don’t know how many birth moms will see our profile before we’re connected with the one that wants us to parent her child. I prayed that God would speak to each of these women, to tell them how courageous and selfless they are for choosing to give their child life; to tell them how much they are loved.

Lord willing, we will soon be chosen to parent a child out of a pile of others who are hoping for the same opportunity that we are. What an amazing blessing and responsibility that is.

Somewhere Tonight…

Somewhere tonight, she is there. We don’t know her name. We don’t know what has brought her to this place.  We don’t know what she looks like or what her background is or what makes her laugh or what her dreams for this baby are. But we know that she’s out there. She might be scared. She might be confused. She might feel alone, angry, or completely unsure of where to go or what to do. Maybe she’s not sure if she can continue with this pregnancy. Maybe she’s trying to just ignore the life inside of her. Maybe she has been abandoned, forsaken, kicked out, and without a place to go because of this baby. Maybe she feels like all hope for her future has been lost.  

Maybe she is doing all she can to feed the mouths of the little ones she already has and knows she can’t add another. Maybe she has a supportive doctor or maybe she’s never seen a doctor because she doesn’t have insurance. Maybe she has a husband who’s standing by her through this decision, or maybe she has a boyfriend who left her when he heard the news, or maybe she doesn’t even know who this baby’s father is. Maybe she’s a teenager, or maybe she’s an older woman, or maybe she’s somewhere in between.

I’ve never met her. In truth, I know nothing about her. Still, I lay awake at night thinking of her, praying for her, crying for her. I know that she is an amazing person because choosing to go through nine months of pregnancy knowing you will not be there for the first smile, first steps, first words, first everything is grief unimaginable. She is brave and she is making an incredibly selfless decision to choose life for this baby. Again and again, I’m asking God to bring someone to her who will stand by her through this, someone to show her the love of a God who does not let go…someone who will show her Jesus.

Somewhere tonight, she is there. We don’t know her name. We don’t know where she’s at. We don’t know what has brought her to this place, but we know she’s out there. Whatever differences we may have, what we have in common cannot be measured. We both want what’s best for this baby, and our lives will never be the same because of this child.

Waiting is Hard. Really, Really Hard!

Written by Tad

I’m going to pick up where I left off in my first post…what do we do now?  We wait!

It’s been about two weeks since our last post, yet it has felt more like two months.  Are any of you like me?  It takes you a little bit of time to make a decision, but once you do…”Let’s go!  Make it happen.  Right now.”  The problem with this mindset is that God is often smiling down saying, “Haha!  Bad news…it ain’t happening when YOU want.  It’ll happen when I know the time is right.”

As I pray daily, I ask God to give me peace and patience in all things, but especially with our adoption.  One of the things He has continually reminded me of is that we are waiting because He is working. He knows the exact situation and circumstances that will lead us to Baby Sherman. If we try to rush the process or press for something that’s not a part of His ultimate plan, then we may never be united with him/her. Who are we to try to speed up the process and be matched with a baby that God may have identified for another adoptive family? And how devastating to think that had we rushed things, we may have missed out on meeting the baby that God specifically chose for us.  As hard as waiting is, this reminder is always followed by a deep breath while saying, “Okay, God.  I get it.”

And just when I say that, He shows up and gives us little reminders that things are moving along at HIS pace, not ours. The great thing when you want to hurry things along and it’s not happening is when you get those little updates that just make you smile and remind you that as slowly as it may go, any forward movement is one step closer to us meeting our baby.

So what are those little updates…

1. Home Study: The only part of our home study that is left are the actual home visits. Unfortunately, things are backed up and many places are not taking new home study applications.  However, we got an email this week that we have been assigned with a social worker 🙂 We’re excited to hear from her and can’t wait to get our first visit scheduled.

2. Profile Book: We received our first draft of our full profile book.  We had already gotten to see the written portions, but now we’ve seen a digital copy of the actual book. It’s 28 pages! It really is pretty amazing and was another reminder of a small step in the right direction.  Hopefully soon we can share that publicly with all of you.  

Waiting is often one of the hardest parts of the adoption process, and we are thankful for the little reminders along the way that the wait is worth it.  Ironically, a story was posted today in the group we belong to on Facebook, “Adoption is Beautiful”, that was on this exact topic – “Waiting”. The new adoptive mother shared in her story:

“As we approached a year of being “in the wait” and countless “not yets;” in His perfect time, almost nine months exactly from our first time presenting, we got our YES! When I had the absolute honor to speak with our son’s birth mom, she told me “I am so glad the others didn’t choose you, because I know you were meant for me.” I can without a doubt, 100 percent, tell you that we would not change a single thing that led us to this child we are blessed to call our own.”

God sure does provide us with perfectly timed reminders of His goodness!

So the journey begins…

Welcome to our adoption blog! The journey has officially begun! We wanted to start this blog to create a platform where we could share with our friends and family about our journey, to have something to look back on someday, to hopefully help others along their journey to adopt, and to share our thoughts and feelings while we wait. We are both looking forward to sharing updates along the way. This first post is written by Tad. 

Beginning the adoption process brings about a variety of emotions.  Here’s how we would describe them:

• Excited: I mean come on… the idea of Baby Sherman coming into our lives, how could we not be excited! We are excited to know who they are, where they are, and when we’ll meet them. We are excited to bring them home and experience the joy and unity of parenting together.  We are excited to watch all the milestones and amazing experiences they will have as they grow. We are excited to celebrate their accomplishments and pick them up in their times of despair. It will be an honor to play a primary role in shaping their life. 

• Anxious: Neither of us ever could have imagined the idea of adoption! We’ve done a ton of research (honestly it’s been mostly Kristen doing the research.  Haha!) There are so many scams out there that you get concerned about choosing the right people and places to explore. 

• Fearful: It truly is a leap of faith for us to begin this journey. While we are fortunate enough to be in a position to take on some of the financial implications that come with adoption, we are trusting that this is part of God’s plan and that He will provide for us and fill in the gaps. We really struggled with the idea of seeking financial support. We are used to being the ones looking to provide for others so this is uncharted territory for us. If you feel led to help financially support our efforts to adopt (no matter how small), you can check out our Go Fund Me page by clicking here. If you aren’t able to do that, by all means please pray for us. We’ll take that just as much, if not more, than the financial support.  

• Hopeful: Prior to meeting Kristen, I did not anticipate any more children in my life. However, when I met her and I knew how important it was to her, that all changed. I know her deep desire to be a mother and my love for her helped me to find that same joy. We now talk regularly about our family being incomplete. Adoption has given us a new hope that we will someday be able to complete our family and Kristen will have the opportunity to become a mom.

After much prayer and research, we are now officially working with Christian Adoptions Consultants and they have been absolutely wonderful to work with.  We work directly with one person, Susan, who has already provided so much guidance.  She has made us feel at peace with the process and we’re looking forward to getting to know her more.  

While going the consultant route did cost a little more money, we are glad we went that route.  They have a multi-agency approach, so we have the potential to be connected with anywhere from 4-6 agencies, which will prayerfully help us find Baby Sherman sooner rather than later. 

After filling out (mostly Kristen) pages and pages of information about us and our entire lives, along with submitting hundreds of pictures, they are now working on creating our profile book.  We’ve seen an initial draft and it’s pretty neat.  We can’t wait to see the final product.  Once it’s completed, we’ll share some of it with you here on our blog.  

This book will be what they present to birth moms as they make a decision about choosing the parents for their little one.  It’s a life-changing decision that starts with this very book.  Needless to say…it’s a pretty important part of the whole process!

We are also in the process of completing our Home Study! We were hopeful this would already be completed, but we’re waiting on the actual home visit portion because they are behind schedule.  Let me just tell you how weird it was getting fingerprinted, asking for FBI background checks, etc.  Good news…everything came back just fine 😉

Another big part of the process is choosing your preferences. Aside from wanting a baby (birth up to one year old), we have decided to keep our preferences completely open, meaning any race or gender. We are also willing to travel anywhere in the United States. We truly believe God already knows who our baby is, so we are hoping that by being open to every possibility, it will help us bring him or her home sooner. 

So what now??? Well…we wait!  We anticipate the home study and profile book will be completed around the same time, which is exciting because we can then officially be presented to birth moms. 

So, as we close out our first post you may be asking, “What are we doing in the waiting?”  Praying…lots and lots of praying!  We are praying for baby Sherman wherever he/she may be or is yet to be. We are praying for the birth mom who will make the most incredibly difficult decision of her life.  We are praying for guidance and patience as we navigate this journey.  Please continue to be in prayer for us, baby Sherman, and his/her birth mom!  

We can’t wait to come back soon with our next update! Please feel free to leave a comment, ask us questions, or whatever you want. And if you’d like to get updates when we share a new post, subscribe below by entering your email. We are excited to bring all of our friends and family along with us on our exciting adventure to find #BabySherman!